Never Lose Hope
by AJOregon
Summary: The anniversary of Camille Voights death and how it affects the team.
1. Chapter 1

_**Authors Note: So I debated addingn this to my story Saving Hank but I have decided to have it as its own tale. I lost a classmate this week to cancer and the story has written itself. My friend was a 911 dispatcher so I am basing my image of Camille on her and what bits we have gotten from the show. I know characters are not quite the same as the show but grief has a way of changing People. Please review. I will probably continue this story but not sure if I have a set direction. **_

"Where is Voight?" Adam Ruzeck asked Antonio Dawson a couple hours after arriving to the unit and not receiving a new briefing on a case.

"Yeah...Erin is gone too...are they on some case we don't know about yet?" Kevin Atwater asked.

Antonio looked at Al before answering, "just get caught up on you paperwork and don't worry about it.

"what do you know that we don't?" Adam asked Al when he caught the head nod between the seasoned two.

"Just shut up and get to work." Al Olinsky growled effectively ending their conversation.

Jay was sitting back at his desk alternating between checking his phone and looking across the aisle at Erin's empty desk. He knew that she had gone to see Voight and to visit Camille's grave. It was the anniversary of her death. It was hard for Jay not to imagine what Hank was like as a family man before he lost his wife to cancer, what Erin was like as a child, what they were like as a family before Camille moved onto Heaven. He knew that later she would break down with him at her apartment when he brought her pizza and beers knowing that she had to hold it together with him.

Jay and Al shared a look and a sad smile, an unspoken agreement between the two of them not to speak of what they knew to the newbies until either Hank or Erin said something themselves. Their morning off was between the two of them.

Erin walked up to the gravestone to find Hank on his knees with his head in his hands. She stopped behind him and grabbed his shoulders and held him tight. He slowly rocked back on his heals and leaned into her, he knew she would be the only one there that day, Justin was away serving his commitment to the Army. This year it was just the two of them.

"Thank you for taking me in, not as your husbands CI but as your daughter. You were my Mother. You taught me what love was... you gave me a family." Erin whispered, only just loud enough for Hank to hear her. She said the same thing every year. She knew that Hank had gotten there at four fifty two in the morning and stayed there until she came at ten to thank her and to make him get out of the cold.

Hank slowly stood up and Erin wrapped her arms around his waist; something she would never even think about doing at work. But here, in the cemetery, they were father and daughter. Here they were family. Here they could share their pain, share their tears. Here Hank was able to show what he hid the other 364 days of the year.

"You ready?" Erin asked him. He shook his head and almost dropped back to his knees. Even all these years later it never got easier. "She loved you so much Dad...so much." She told him as she moved around so she was standing in front of him facing him and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"I couldn't do this without you." He whispered, sniffling in her ear as he put his face into her neck trying to compose himself. She hated seeing him like this, this anniversary aged him every year and she didn't know how much more he would be able to take before his pain overflowed. Losing Nick she had been worried would push him over but then he was able to stuff it all back in.

"You ready to go to work?" Erin asked him ten minutes later, pulling her arms from around his waist and taking his hand in hers. After he nodded she gave a sad smile, touched the top of her gravestone and led Hank to her waiting car.

They sat in the parking lot in silence for a few minutes, the only noise from the clicking of Erin typing on her phone- to Jay, Be up in a minute. "Don't hurt him Erin. You know that kid loves you." Voight smiled at his girl.

"We are just partners Hank...your orders remember?" Erin said sarcastly.

"He is going to bring your disgusting pizza and crappy beer over after shift and you will cry onto his shoulders."

"You spying on me now old man?" She said squeezing his hand.

"Just know you are a heartbreaker Kiddo." He told her as he climbed out of the car. He walked around to her as she climbed out of the car, draping his arm over her shoulder she wrapped her arm around his waist. "Thank you Erin."

"People here would be there too if you would just let them. Everyone loved Camille." Erin whispered dropping her arm as they walked through the door.

Hank walked up to Trudy Platt and got a giant stack of files from her. "You are later this year than you usually are." Erin's head snapped up at Hank as she saw tears filling his eyes. "I think about Camille often Hank, she was an amazing woman."

Erin put her arm back around Hanks waist before answering for him, "thanks. She was incredible. It is nice to know other people still think of her after all these years too." Hank reached his hand out and let it linger over Platt's before he grabbed it back and ran up the stairs.

Erin bolted up the stairs behind him and pushed her way through his office door after him and slammed the door shut her and closed the blinds. When she turned around she saw him sink down at his desk and he laid his head down with a thud. She knew he hated to be this way, especially at work, and to not have control.

She walked slowly around his desk and sat down on the edge. He leaned his head over so it was resting against her leg and she drew small circles on his shoulder. "It is different for you this year...that isn't a bad thing by the way."

"I lost my best friend Erin." He said so unccharicteristicly as he looked up at her with tears streaming down his face. She pushed him back in his chair and crawled onto his lap and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and let him bury his face in her hair. She held him as his body shook and he chpled on sobs.

Meanwhile in the bullpen the atmosphere went to ice as Erin slammed the door shut after Hank ran past...those who knew Hank knew immediately this year was different. This anniversary was harder than it had been since she first passed...and only Alvin knew them then.

"Uhh guys..." Adam started.

"Mind your own damn business." Al snapped. "Jay you better fucking be ready tonight. Dawson can you do something with these two." He said standing up and walking into Voights office.

Erin looked up as the door opened and quickly closed behind Al. She felt him freeze and hold his breath. "Oh man..." Al mumbled realizing just how much worse this year was. Even the night Canille took her last breath he wasn't like this. "Please don't shut us out anymore Buddy."

"I miss her so much it hurts." He cried as a fresh wave of grief washed over him again.

Al walked around the desk and knelt down putting his arm around both Hank and Erin and he bent his head down and kissed the top of Hanks head. "I miss her too. Every toy drive, every Holiday, every birthday...every time I see Justin...every time I see you... she was your wife Hank but we all loved her..

They sat there a while as all three of them cried. They all said silent prayers and they tried to reassure Hank that it was okay for him to grieve. As he gained his composure back Al moved so he was sitting on the edge of the desk and Erin sat up straighter but kept her arm around Hanks neck.

"Well today has been productive." Hank grumbled.

"I think it was the most productive in years old man." Erin said and Hank gave her his secret smile.

"I think we should cut out early and go get a drink." Al told Hank.

Hank in turn looked at Erin who had laid her head on his shoulder. Something she had not even done as a child. "You going to be okay tonight Kiddo?"

"As long as you don't shut Al out. I know it hurts Dad but it hurts us so much more to have you shut us out."

"You of all people know I am trying...it's all a bit much for a creature of habit."

"I love you Hank...you know that. Promise me you will call the if..."

"He will be okay tonight Er. You go take care of you...I am sure Jay is out there pacing by now. Go throw him a bone." Al told her.

"Thank you Erin. For everything these last few months...years really. I will call you when I get home tonight." Hank promised her with a kiss to the temple. Such uncharacteristic behavior from both of them today but it has definitely not been just any old day.

Erin was nervous about leaving her bubble in the office. She would know that Atwater and Ruzek would have a million questions she was not ready to answer. When she walked out Jay's head snapped up and Antonio grabbed her hand. He wrapped her in a hug and whispered, "why is it worse this year?"

she rested her head on his shoulder and whispered back, "Nick, Justin is gone, Jin. Its Hank. He will be fine tomorrow. Just get everyone out of here so Al can get him out without anymore questions." When she let go she walked straight over to her desk and grabbed her coat.

"We are out early. Be ready to work by eight." Antonio announced.

"Is anyone going to explain to us what everyone else already knows?" Atwater asked.

"Maybe next year when you grow up." Erin remarked, nodding her hear to Jay.

"I'm not arguing a reason to cut out early." Jay said shrugging on his hoodie and wrapping his arm around Erins shoulder kissing her softly on the head.

"I don't think Voight condones that sort of behavior Halstead." Antonio teased.

"Today is different." Erin said sadly leaning into Jay as he led her downstairs. Erin went over to Platt and gave her a hug, "Ignore Hank when Al brings him down. We are all cutting out early."

"Jay you take care of our girl here. Camille was a great woman and made a huge difference in our department."

"You know I will." Jay said pulling her towards the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Al slowly opened the shades to Hank's office as he heard Adam and Kevin walking down the stairs. He had a feeling Antonio would still be sitting at his desk and he was right. "Just have the kid come with us." Hank told Al.

"You sure?"

"Have you ever heard me say anything I didn't mean?" Hank snapped back As he stood up from his desk. He took a quick look in the mirror and the reflection he saw was hardly recognizable. "You see what this shit is doing to my mug? Damn we are getting old Al." He rubbed his face in his hand one more time and walked out into the bullpen. "Let's go Kid I am buying tonight."

Antonio and Hank had not worked together long, just since he was put in charge of intelligence but he had watched him through the academy and heard about his work from a lot of his own CI's. The kid had earned his respect. Antonio had also known Camille and had actually worked with her quite a bit on all of her charity drives before she had gotten sick. They had never spoken about her but Hank knew he visited her grave on occasion. He had rigged up a security camera to snap a photo if anyone ever visitted.

Al drove them all to a little bar just outside of Chicago. They sat down at a table in the corner and less than ten minutes later burgers were placed in front of them alongside glasses of whiskey. They all are in silence and sipped on their drinks.

Once their plates were cleared and glasses refilled Antonio broke the silence. "Camille helped me to see the good in my job...working narcotics...taking away the kids from their parents...she helped me to see that I was giving the kids hope...I would have quit a long time ago if it hadn't been for her."

"I am glad her blabber mouth helped you...you are a good cop kid." Hank said with a sad smile. "God I miss the sound of her voice...it used to drive me crazy but now...I would give anything just to hear her scream at me for coming home too late or not fixing the washing machine."

"I didn't realize it until a couple months ago but all the stories she told were about Erin...after Jules...after she was killed I saw you hugging her and then...when we were up on the roof with Nick...your argument...it finally clicked. Camille always said that your daughter had saved you and I didn't know what she meant til today."

"Erin is a born fighter and her stubbornness clicked with me when she was a kid...when Cam finally agreed to let her move in...it was like the two of them had always been together. Bad part about it was they used to gang up on me...when she got sick Erin took over everything she had done at home, I didnt realize for months that she was even the one doing it...laundry, cooking, shopping, helping Justin with his homework...tucking him into bed at night, sitting up with me until the end...planning the funeral...making sure I kept eating after she passed...hell she used to come to the station to bring me food and force me to come home to sleep."

"She brought the best food too...mmmmm...you used to lock yourself into your office to try and shut her out and what was it...the second week she threw a rock through the window to let herself in."

"Haha yeah, it was hard explaining to the boss how an interior window got busted."

"Who was there for Erin after Camille died?" Antonio asked.

"She never really let anyone take care of her...I know she would cry some with Justin...and she would go to the cemetery and sit there for hours at night after he went to bed..."

"She never let anyone take care of her with all of it...she basically lost her mom..."

"The first year Jay was working with her...God how long ago was that? I saw her with him in the locker room not too long after she dragged your ass in from the cold. He was able to drag it out of her in under a minute...impressed the hell outta me." Al said.

"That was only a couple weeks after they started working together...she really let him in like that?" Hank questioned. "I didn't notice it til last year...I have been so blind to everything...all the shit Justin got away with...Erin really turns to Jay for everything doesnt she?"

"And he has never let her down...when Jules died I know Jay took her home and stayed with her...every time she called to check how I was they were always together...same thing with Jin..." Antonio told him.

"One of these days Hank they are going to get hitched..." Al smirked. "She won't do anything til you are good with it though."

"I knew he wanted in her pants and they make one hell of a team but how did I not see their connection they have?"

"Erin is always telling you that you are blind to anything happy..." Al mumbled.

"I've been blind to just about everything guys... I am sorry... Truly. This emotional crap...I have pushed everyone and everything away for so long...I feel like I am drowning."

"We will start a new case tomorrow and things will go back to normal again." Antonio assured him.

"You really should let Ruzek and Atwater in on what is going on though...they were pretty freaked out with everything. Adam was actually typing up his own reports!"

"Give me a night to sleep on it. I need to do it my way..." Hank said finishing the last of his drink and flopping down more than enough cash to cover their tab.

Jay drove Erin back to his place and they got their right as the pizza delivery guy was pulling up. "Perfect timing Halstead."

"What can I say, I take care of my girl." He said flashing his grin and wrapping his arm around her shoulders for a quick hug. "Go on up I will take care of this." He said handing her his keys.

She took them and went upstairs and let herself in. She saw a pair of old Army sweats and a Black Hawks TShirt folded neatly on the couch next to a stack of her favorite old movies and his guitar. She smiled, pulled the first season of MASH from the pile and grabbed the clothes and went into the bathroom to change.

The first episode of the show was playing the theme music as she came out of his bathroom wearing his clothes. He brought her a slice of pizza smothered in ranch and a cold bottle of beer.

They both settled into the couch in comfortable silence, he did not want to push her, as they finished their pizza. Shortly after starting the second episode she set her beer on the table and curled up with her head on his shoulder and her legs over his. He leaned his head against hers and wrapped his arm around her back squeezing her into him.

As the credits were playing she whispered, "He finally said he missed her...I mean...I knew he missed her...but today was the first time he said it out loud...he lost it...I have never seen him cry as hard as he did today...not even after Nick died...when I was staying with him...today I was scared for him."

Jay pulled her even closer to him, "Voight is so lucky to have you."

"I miss her so much Jay...especially since Bunnie decided to try to weasle her way back in...I was aways the one taking care of her and then when I went to live with them...Camille took care of me...she always made sure I had food on the table, she helped me with my homework, she didnt force me to talk about all the shitty stuff in my past...she always asked me how my day was, if there were any guys I was interested in...she tried to get me to invite friends over for dinner even...which I did twice...the second time is when they figured out where I actually came from...there were no photos of me growing up...kinda hard to pull off the whole Aunt Uncle Niece thing when they didnt even have a single picture of me in the house before I had started living there."

"When she died...what was it like?" Jay asked her.

"I had tucked Justin in bed and went back into their bedroom...Hank was sitting in a chair at the edge of their bed and was holding her hand...tears were sliding down his cheeks. I started counting her breaths...they were so shallow...she was basically just skin and bones by that point. I crawled into bed next to her and put my arm over her stomach...I started to sing one of her favorite songs...I thanked her for being my Mom...I remember praying that she wouldnt hurt anymore...that Hank and Justin would be okay...mostly I remember counting the seconds between her breaths...holding my own breath until she took another one...I am sure Hank was doing the same thing because when I got up to one hundred he fell from the chair to his knees... It was a few minutes before five...I jumped up and ran over to him and forced my way into his lap and he held onto me so tight I got bruises...I remember sobbing and holding onto him just as tight though. I was so scared that I wouldnt have a family anymore...I dont remember falling asleep with him holding me but I woke up two hours later in my bed. I looked into the hallway just as the mortuary was taking her body out. I went to check on Justin and helped him get ready for school and got him his breakfast and made him a lunch then I walked him to school. Then I went by my school and told them what happened and then went back to the house. Hank was in his office and was zipping her ring into a little blue bag. He never cried after that...never smiled either...not a smile that reached his eyes though. Camille and I had planned her funeral in advance and she had set up so my name was on her checking account so I just kept going grocery shopping, buying Justin what he needed...Hank hardly ever came home...I used to bring him food to the station...Al used to bring him home...when I graduated from high school I told Hank I was going to go into the accademy...it was the first time I had seen his real smile since she had gotten sick. The next fall he sent Justin off to boarding school...I think he was trying to help me by giving me more time...I was taking the acadamy classes and going to community college...it made it harder though...I had already lost my mom and then my brother got sent away...He called every Tuesday night...I know most of what he told me he had made up but I also knew he was getting decent grades even if he was going off to party every weekend."

"So it was just you and Hank?"

"I guess...I mean he would come long enough to shower...and to sleep...we didnt ever really talk..."

"So the whole cemetery anniversery thing...he goes there at the time she died and you go ther the time you got back from taking care of Justin...how did that start?"

"On the anniversary of her death I had a class in the morning...when I finished I went out there and found him. He wasnt crying...he was just sitting there...I sat down next to him and he pulled me onto his lap and held me...before I knew it we were standing up and he kissed my head and left to go to work...that is how it has been every year..."

"Until today."

"When I walked up I knew today was differnt...he wasnt sitting the same way...he was crying...I just wanted to hold him for once...and he let me..."

"I think you are the only thing in this world that wouldn't hurt him Erin...that wont force him...tomorrow...are we suppose to act like today never happened?"

"Probably...but I am going to bring in the photo I have of our family and put it right on my desk..."

"Do you think that is the best plan Er...really?"

"Yes. It has been too long and I want a picture of my family on my desk. If he doesn't like it...well he can deal with it." Erin said reaching forward and grabbing the remote to start the next episde of MASH.

They watched another two episodes before Erin felt her phone buzz in her pocket. _Home now. Dont break his heart. Breakfast before shift?_ She smiled, looked up at Jay who was dozing with his head on the back of the couch, his mouth partially open, _See you at 7. Call if you need me to come home._

She set an alarm on her phone for six and put it back in her pocket. She moved so she was more comfortable in the corner of the couch and pulled Jay down towards her. He opened his eyes and smiled a sleepy smile before he sat up, pulling her up with him and taking her back to his bedroom. He laid down on his side of the bed and she on hers, "What no scrabble?" Erin said with a smirk.

"I told you I am a perfect gentleman." He said scooting a little closer to her.

Erin rolled towards him and lay her head on his chest, "Thank you for being so perfect." She closed her eyes and snuggled into him.

"Do you need an alarm set so you aren't late in the morning?"

"You will wake me up when you leave to have breakfast." He whispered running his fingers through her hair.

"Goodnight Jay."

"Goodnight Erin."


	3. Chapter 3

She woke up Jay with a quick kiss before she ran out the door to meet Hank. She hoped one day waking up next to her partner would be an everyday occurrence. Today though...today she had to be ready. She rushed home and took a quick shower and grabbed the photo she had told Jay about and stuck it in her bag to bring to work.

When she got to Hank's he was just loading pancakes onto two plates and had two mugs of coffee sitting on the table waiting for her. "I am going to tell them...I might need your help. I want them to know who Camille was...why she was so important...not just to us but to Chicago."

"I was going to put our family photo on my desk...I don't think they know that you and Camille raised me..."

"Family meeting day at work then...guess it is time I learn about them and let them learn about me."

"Builds trust."

"Camille was always a big fan of family meetings...used to drive me nuts...we would have a meeting to talk about what baby food to give Justin...what gas station to fill up the car at...the only time I called a family meeting was when I told her I was going to have you move in with us."

"See there you go, family meetings are wonderful things." Erin said with a smirk.

"If only I had known then what a stubborn..."

"Hey now...you know you love me."

"I couldn't survive without you Kid..."

"Don't go getting all sappy on me now. Yesterday was too hard...I want today to be easier...to remember the good times we had Hank...because we had so many good times."

"You and Halstead have my permission to get married."

Erin's jaw dropped, to her that comment was completely out of left field. "We aren't even dating...remember no in house romances? Your dumb rule."

"You get married. You have my blessing...and the two of you have been a couple since the day you met...I was just too blind to see it until now."

"How bout you just left me be me and not worry about my love life."

"Ugh...love life...I don't even want to think about that..."

"Good." She smiled at him and decided to change the subject, "Is it okay if I have our picture on my desk?"

"Do you really need to ask me that?"

"God Hank do you even know how impossible you have been the last few years? Anytime anyone would even mention her you would get pissed and storm off to your office...so yeah...I need to ask if it is okay to bring a photo of us and have it sitting where you will see it every time you are in the pen."

"When I storm off to my office it is to look at the photos I keep in the box in my cabinet...I just cant...couldn't...think about her without..."

"Without freaking the fuck out." Erin finished for him.

"I was not going to use those exact words." He said taking a bit of pancake.

An hour later the two of them walked into the unit and Hank went into his office as usual and Erin sat down at her desk and set the photo up right next to her monitor so it was never out of view and could easily been seen from just about everywhere in the bullpen. Jay was sitting at his desk and was watching her as she straightened, moved, rotated and straightened the photo again. He could tell she was nervous but saw a twinkle in her eye as she looked at the photo. A happy spot in her not always happy and easy childhood.

He slowly got up and sat down on the edge of her desk picking up the photo she had so carefully placed. "What the Hell Jay." She said slapping his leg.

"What?" He asked innocently, "You were cute even back then...that is a great picture." He said as he handed it back to her right as Adam and Kevin walked in, followed closely by Alvin and Nadia.

"You gotta picture of her when she was a kid? Let me see that man, we've been trying to find one." Adam said grabbing it out of Erin's hand.

She looked up to Jay and smiled as he stood up, "My partner was pretty damn hot as a teenager...though the choice in jeans is questionable."

"Hey!" She said hitting him in the side, "When do I get to see your preppy high school jock photos?"

"Not a chance Lindsay." He said winking at her.

"Voight your Dad?" Kevin asked as he took the photo from Adam. "I knew you were close but damn...Halstead you are screwed."

"Why am I screwed?" Jay asked smiling at Erin and daring Kevin to say it out loud.

"The Voights...they took me in after my parents...him and Camille saved me." Erin answered with a sad smile.

"Wait so how old were you when you went to live with him?" Adam asked.

"I went to live with his family...not just him...and I was barely in high school."

"His wife divorce him or something? He has never mentioned having a wife...and doesn't wear a ring." Kevin asked.

"Seriously Dude?" Antonio asked as he walked in and saw the photo. "Camille was amazing. She used to be here all the time...I knew her before I ever met Voight...After Platt got shot...Camille helped her get involved in the House since she couldn't go out in the field anymore...she was like all of ours Mom...when we had a rough day or she would hear about something happening she would make sure to find us and remind us to smile and all of the good that we were doing...and working with narcotics...or gang units...the good was not always easy to find."

"You all knew her? What did you say her name was again?" Adam asked.

"Camille. And no not everyone knew her...Antonio, myself and Erin did though." Al answered.

"So what happened to her?" Adam asked suddenly nervous.

"Cancer. She had cancer...and as hard as she fought it..." Erin said sadly.

Hank was standing in the doorway of his office, looking out over his unit...his family. He slowly walked over and stood next to Erin grabbing her shoulder for support. She reached up and held his hand, "Yesterday was the anniversary of her death." He mumbled. "It was also the first time I let myself..." He took a deep shaky breath, "yesterday was...hard."

"We lean on our team...our family." Erin smiled up at her Dad, "When things get rough we lean on each other."

"I haven't been open with you...any of you...for years. After she died...this job was the only thing I had left. I couldn't look at Justin without seeing her...looking at Erin...she has taken care of me all these years...she stepped up for me big time helping me with Justin...and she is only a couple years older than he is...every year I go to visit her grave...usually for a couple hours until Erin drags my ass back here and it is back to business as usual...I don't know why this year was different..."

"You are getting soft in your old age." Erin said smiling at him.

"Anyways...you guys..." He said looking to Antonio and Al, "And you", he said looking to Jay, "You guys helped me to see...I cannot continue to let the cancer win. I told Erin that I wanted everyone to know Camille and what she did for all of us...even you three." He said looking at Adam, Kevin and Nadia.

"Platt always has the cancer fundraisers, and Camille's Bear drive...all the food drive stuff around the holidays...all of that is what Camille started." Antonio told the others. "She told me about Erin...I didn't know it until now...but she told me about how Erin had saved her husband...when she told me I didn't know either of you...she always said the best things can come out of the worst times as long as you have your eyes open to see the greatness."

"She sounds like a cool lady." Kevin said taking another look at the photo.

"She was the best person I have ever met." Hank said with tears in his eyes.

"I will never forget her...she was my Mom...she saved my life...and I didn't make it easy." Erin said looking over at Jay.

"Camille will never be forgotten." Alvin promised patting his friend on the back before walking over to his desk.

"She is a source of HOPE and happiness...I will never forget her." Antonio said sliding back over to his desk.

"Never lose hope." Adam and Kevin both whispered as they walked back to their desks.

"Never lose hope." Jay said smiling at Erin who took her hand from Hank's and put it on Jay's.

"Never lose hope." Erin said smiling.

Hank bent down and kissed Erin on the cheek, "Never lose hope." He clapped his hand on Jay's shoulder as he walked around Erin's desk, "Never lose hope."


	4. Chapter 4

_This is a crossover for two of my stories-Never Lose Hope and Smile Through Tears. I know it is a bit (okay a lot...like a lot a lot) OOC but to me it isnt so much so that it becomes unbelievable. Oh and it is REALLY long because I couldnt decide how to split it up into multiple chapters._

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

><p><em>After what happened on the anniversary last year Erin had planned ahead for this year. The entire unit was taking the day off work. They were going to get through the day together, as a family.<em>

Hank Voight woke up that morning before his alarm, he always did, but today of all days he wished he could just sleep through. It was harder every year, every day. He missed her, he missed his wife. He got out of bed slowly, picking up her bathrobe that was still slung over her chair and inhaled, her scent was long gone but he could still smell it, in his mind she was always there.

He knew Erin was on the other side of the bedroom wall listening to his every move, wanting to come in and try and make him feel better...but he knew she would wait, wait until after he had his time with her, wait like she did every year since Camille passed. He took a slow painfully hot shower before getting dressed and climbing into his truck and driving across town to the cemetery.

Standing with his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold the tears formed in his eyes that refused to fall. He was like a statue for hours before he finally whispered, "I don't know how to go on Cam...I need you...you kept me balanced...kept me from going over the edge...Little Daniel needs his Grammy...Justin...and Erin need their Mom...God...Cam I almost lost her again...I couldn't bring her back this time...Halstead...he was able to bring her back...the dumbass almost got himself killed in the process...if it hadn't have been for him we would have lost her...I already lost you Cam...I can't lose her too."

Sinking to his knees in the frozen grass, "I can't lose her Cam...I already lost you...can't lose our daughter..."

Erin jumped out of the car and ran up the hill just as her Dad dropped to the grass, "I'm not going anywhere." She said putting her hands on his shoulders, "Mom, I promise you I'm not going anywhere...it hasn't been easy since you've been gone...I need a mom...I tried to find that in Bunnie...she could never come anywhere near a Mother...I almost screwed up everything...I've pulled my head out of my ass though and I am good now...well...close to it. Dad has been amazing since Nadia was killed...I just didn't see it...I wish you were here with us but I know now that you are watching out for us...I hope Nadia found you up there."

As Erin was talking Hank sunk back against her and held his head in his hands. When she finished she knelt down behind him and put her arms around his shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere." She said leaning her head against his, "Come on, get up outta the grass." When he stood up she moved to his side and wedged herself under his arm and wrapped her arms around his waist.

She felt him shake as he cried and watched as the tears dripped from his chin without looking at his face, she didn't need to see the pure raw emotion written all over it when she already felt her own tears freely fall down her own. When Hank wiped his face with his hand and pulled her into him she knew now was time to go. "He drop you off or he waiting in the car?"

"We are meeting the family at the diner." Erin told him, scared that he would flip out, allowing Jay to be the one to have brought her to the cemetery this year...it has always just been the two of them, with Justin later in the day...when he was able.

"Family Huh?" He questioned as he wiped his eyes again.

"Today is a day for family...so yes." She said holding her hand out for the keys to his truck.

He slowly stuck his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled the keys out placing them in her hand, "You know, Halsteads not that bad of a driver."

"Really? You too?" Erin said rolling her eyes and shaking her head, "Besides, he gets to drive when we are off the clock."

"Christ Erin."

"Get in the truck old man." Erin said climbing into the driver seat and starting the engine.

Hank took his sweet time walking around the truck to the passenger side, taking one last long look at his wife's grave. "Thank you Cam." He whispered before climbing in next to their daughter.

Erin saw the tears back in his eyes when he got in and she reached over and took his shaking hand in hers, "I love you." When he looked at her he blinked, allowing the tears fall he gave a sad smile and nodded his head, not trusting his voice. She kept her hand on his as she drove to the run down old diner he loved on the outskirts of town, she smiled when she recognized the cars in the parking lot. She jumped out of the truck as soon as it was parked, expecting him to follow suit but he was still sitting in the same position when she walked around and opened the passenger door, "You coming?"

When he didn't respond she stepped up and sat half on him and half on the edge of the seat and wrapped her arms around him, she held his head into her shoulder as she felt his tears soak through her jacket, hearing Justin mumble and Little Daniel squeak Erin pulled back slightly with tears in her own eyes, "Dad, we have a surprise for you." She whispered reaching out her arm for her nephew. "Thought this year this Little Man might help get you through the day." She told him squeezing the squirmy little boy between them.

Hank looked at Daniel before looking up to Erin and finally out of the truck where Olive had her arm around Justin who looked like he was about to start crying himself. Erin climbed out of the truck and pulled her brother into a tight hug, "Thank you." Erin whispered into his ear before kissing him on what she found to be a wet cheek, "Haven't seen you cry in a long time Justin."

"Never seen Pop like this..." Justin answered squeezing his sister tighter into him, "You've always been here for us...for me...didn't really get it til now."

Hearing Hank laugh as Daniel squealed again Erin turned from her brother to face their dad, "After we eat we will all go back out to the cemetery, then back home and watch old home movies." She announced.

Hank climbed down from the truck and pulled Justin into a one armed embrace, "You didn't have to come up."

"Only for the night Pops, I miss Mom and wanted Danny to be around family...plus Erin threatened to go to my CO...who I might add apparently had already talked to Halstead before I even had the chance to ask him about leave...I have to be back tomorrow night." Justin told him as he wiped his face of the few tears he allowed to fall.

"Camille was amazing Hank, we were able to be here this year and this is right where we needed to be." Olive smiled to her father in law, Hank let go of Justin and turned to her kissing her gently on the cheek, again not trusting his voice.

He turned back to Erin, and with tears in his eyes he tried, "You did this?" When Erin nodded Hank took her in a bone crushingly tight embrace and whispered, "I don't know how to thank you."

"You can start by getting your ass in the diner where it is warm." Erin smirked, "Then you can thank Jay...him and Mouse served with Justin's CO so he arranged leave so J could be home this year."

Erin pulled out of his embrace and wiped the tears from his face, "We all miss her, but she would be damn proud to see us all this year. Damn proud." Hank stared at his daughter and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath before opening his eyes again and nodding.

"What do ya think Buddy? You want to try some of the best pancakes in the county?" Hank said to Daniel, who answered in a slobbery squeal. "Pancakes it is." Hank chuckled as he headed into the diner.

Seeing Justin hold back Erin hung back with him, "Is Pop okay?" He asked her.

"He misses his wife...his best friend...what he thought his family should look like...he never let himself grieve before...he hasn't been okay for a long time." Erin said putting her arm around her brother again. "Come on, let's get some of those pancakes." Erin said bumping her head against his shoulder.

Erin pulled out her phone as she got to the table, her family and her Chicago family all sitting around the table together and she snapped a photograph. If that wasn't a good enough reason to stay clean she didn't know what would be. She sat down in one of the glittery red chairs between Jay and Hank and felt Jay put his arm around her shoulder and she allowed him to pull her into him as he kissed her cheek. One of the first displays of affection either of them had dared in front of Hank since he apparently gave the okay to Jay.

"Family today huh?" Hank rolled his eyes at his daughter earning a cheeky grin.

"Ordered pancakes when I saw you guys park, they should be out any second." Jay said.

"You gonna share the kid Voight or have you become a baby hog?" Al asked his best friend.

"He has his Grandmas eyes." Antonio said with a sad smile.

Lifting his grandson up over his head Hank smiled, "He does, doesn't he?"

"He has her attitude too Pops." Justin smiled.

"You sure it was her attitude?" Antonio questioned earning a laugh from Kevin and Adam.

Erin laughed, "You guys would have been shocked, She could put Hank in his place with just a look...or like two words..."

"Random words too...shikaakwaa or wild something...didn't even make sense...what was it that she used to say?" Justin asked.

"Wild onion." Hank answered, instantly getting tears in his eyes at the memory.

"How Chicago got its name...Shikaakwaa meant wild onions." Adam mused.

"How the heck did you know that?" Erin asked flipping her head towards Adam.

"Academy...Chicago's history...how long has it been since you went through?" He smirked.

"Cam always loved history...the way should would say it...the glint in her eyes...instead of being pissed I would start laughing...she has been using that against me since we were kids." Hank said sniffing his nose and starring up at the ceiling.

"I met her once when I was a kid...wish I would have really known her though." Adam said.

"You a lucky man Hank...to get a love like that...doesn't come along everyday." Kevin said.

"You're right about that." Al said, "And now you have a grandson who I have yet to get to hold." Al said reaching over and taking Daniel from Hanks arms.

Erin put her arm around her dads shoulders and pulled him towards her, "Family and pancakes." She smiled as giant plates of pancakes were seat down in front of everyone. When they all finished eating they sat there in silence as Hank looked around the table at those who had become his family over the years and his blood family. He had a difficult time fighting back his tears and everyone knew it.

"Erin, why don't you and Justin take Hank back up to the cemetery." Al suggested. "Halstead will make sure Olive and Daniel get there and we will meet you there in a bit."

"Whatdoya think Pops? Been a few since I have been out there." Justin said kissing Olive in the cheek before standing up and walking towards his Dad, ruffling Daniels hair as Al held him when he walked past.

With Erin and Justin on either side of him Hank shakily stood up wordlessly. Justin saw how shaky his dad's legs were and put his arm around him and led him out to the truck. Erin knew how bad Hank was last year but she was sure this year was even harder for him and she was thankful that Jay had been able to get Justin there. After Hank was in Justin climbed in the back and scooted to the middle and put his hand on Erin's shoulder, squeezing gently. She knew it scared him to see his dad like this, Hank had always tried to shield him from his pain, tried to protect him. Erin leaned her cheek against her brothers hand and quickly turns around to look at him. "We are family. We will always be a family." Erin promised Justin...and Hank.

The drive back to the cemetery was quick and she parked under the tree a few feet from the grave, they usually parked further away and walked, but she knew he just wasn't up for it. The whole drive Hank was like a statue, barely breathing, fighting to contain his overwhelming grief. Erin climbed out of the truck and walked around to the passenger side as Justin climbed out. She went to reach in and grab the blanket he kept on the backseat but Justin enveloped her into a bone crushing hug. "I'm glad you are my sister." He whispered to her, causing tears to spring to her eyes. "I haven't always been the best at showing that."

"I know you love me." Erin smirked as a single tear slid from her eye.

Justin wiped the tear with his thumb and pulled her tight again, "Neither one of us would be here if it weren't for you...thank you."

"Gah! You have me crying and we haven't even gotten to her stone yet."

"he make it?" Justin asked as Erin pulled away and grabbed the blanket before closing the door behind her, she was thankful for it being an uncharacteristically warm and dry fall day.

Erin nodded sadly before opening up Hanks door. She saw his eyes move to look at hers and she knew he was putting all his faith into her once again. He needed her more in that moment than she ever needed him as a teen. She reached across and unhooked his seatbelt and tapped his legs, spinning him so he could step out of the truck. He turned to look at her again and she got right in his face and kissed his cheek, "Together." She whispered into his ear. He was beyond exhausted between the lack of sleep and overwhelming grief she knew that his body was fighting not to shut down.

Justin watched in awe how Erin was able to control his father, the blind trust he had in her...he had never understood their bond, how angry his dad would get growing up if he had ever said that she was not real family...now as Erin led his dad up the hill, holding only his pinky, letting go only when they reached the stone. Erin spread the blanket and Hank collapsed down on it, she sat down behind him as the tears poured from his eyes and the guttural moans tore from his soul.

Erin tried to focus her attention on her Brother, "Talk to her J, she knows we are here, I can even smell her perfume when I breathe in." Erin said soothingly as she took over exaggerated breathes, Hank mimicking her as he leaned back against her. She had done it again, calmed him near instantly. Justin looked from his Dad to the stone, to Erin and back to the stone, "Just tell her what is in your heart...tell her about Daniel." Erin urged as she leaned her head into Hanks.

"She would be so proud of you." Hank said looking over at his son. Erin reached her hand out and pulled Justin down so he was sitting on the blanket with them. Hank, exhausted closed his eyes as he rest his head against Erin's, "She would have made one hellova Grandma." He slurred.

After watching Justin stare at the stone with glassy eyes for a few more minutes, feeling the full weight of Hanks head on her shoulder as his body gave into the exhaustion she put her hand on Justin's back, "When we come here I thank her for making me her daughter when she didn't have to...for giving me the family I never thought I deserved...I promise her that I will always be here...for Hank...for you...and now for Daniel and Olive."

With Erin rubbing his back Justin stared at the name on the stone, "I'm sorry for not making it out here sooner...I screwed up Mom...bad...but I am trying to make things right now...I am going to be the kind of dad that Daniel deserves...God I miss you Mom...every time he does something new...I wish you could see him...hold him...hold me...I need you Momma..." Justin said, his voice cracking as he cried.

Erin scooted so that Hank's head slid down onto her lap and she pulled Justin Against her, "You will always have me." Erin said as she held her little brother, the same way she did at the funeral all those years earlier. "I know I am not the same as Mom...but I will always be here to protect you."

"When she got sick you took over what she did...you helped me get dressed...made me food...took me to school...the morning she died...you did the same thing then you went back home and took care of him..."

"We took care of each other Justin."

"This..." Justin waved his arm around, "is way past just taking care of each other."

"How many times have you had to help Pop...like this?"

"Last year...and today." Erin answered. "After his Buddy was killed last year...the day was finally too much for him to keep in anymore."

"You have been coming out here with him every year though."

"Used to be that we came out here, paid respects, little hug then off to work."

"Why did it hit so hard last year?"

"You both turned your sadness to anger...shut out everyone until it blew up in your faces."

"He sleeping?" Justin asked getting where she was going without needing to hear it.

"Yeah." Erin said running her hand across his stubble covered cheek. "When Nadia died..."

"Rest of your team saw him cry before me?"

"They were here last year, saw the aftermath...but him and Jay...when I lost it...they were there for each other...I don't know what happened between the two of them but something definitely changed...they have a weird bromance thing going on or something."

"I should have been here."

"Justin since you went to boot camp you have been exactly where you needed to be."

"I could have helped you."

"It took Jay almost getting killed for me to pull my head out of my ass...nothing you could have done would have changed anything."

"They going to sit in the car all day?" Justin asked nodding to the car that had parked behind theirs.

"Wave um up if you are ready." Erin shrugged her shoulders knowing that Jay was just making sure that they had enough time as a family before coming over.

"Should we wake him up?"

"Will wake him up when everyone else gets here." She answered as Jay walked up with Olive who was holding a sleeping Daniel.

"Hey Camille." Jay said as he walked over and sat down next to Erin, "You've got them all here now...good looking family." He said leaning over and kissing Erin on the cheek. "How long he been out?" He said squeezing Hanks shoulder, earning no response.

Justin was surprised to see Jay leave his hand on his sleeping fathers shoulder, "Half hour or so." He answered. "Erin said we will wake him up when the others get here."

"Al said they would be out here in a half hour or so, him and Dawson were going by to get Platt. Kev and Adam we're going back, work the afternoon."

"How you holding up Baby?" Olive asked Justin as he leaned into her.

"Hard to see Pops like this." He told her.

"I think your mom would be very proud of all of you." Olive told him handing over his sleeping son.

The four of them sat in silence as the two slept until Erin saw the car drive up. Just being together, their family...it always felt like something was missing and that would never change, but there in the cemetery, all crowded onto the small throw blanket together...it felt the closest it had in a very long time. "Dad? Al, Tonio and Trudy are here." Erin whispered running her thumb along his stubble again. Hank nodded his head and opened his eyes but made no move to sit up, he was still very visibly exhausted.

Jay squeezed Hanks shoulder again before moving his hand, "You got my family here." Hank said looking over at him. Jay nodded and gave him a sad smile, he knew he wasn't just talking about Justin.

When Trudy saw Hank laying on the blanket, his head being held by Erin and tear stains down his face she couldn't help but let her tears fall, she had never seen him look like that...never seen the man vulnerable in the decades she had known him, not even at her funeral. She had seen him fight tears, fight his emotion, but as he lay there next to his wife's grave being held by his chosen daughter with bloodshot eyes and a tear stained face... Al reached up and held her shoulder preventing her from running over and smothering Hank.

Jay protectively put his hand back on his Sargent's shoulder and Erin leaned into him as she started to silently cry again. When Jay looked over at Justin he saw that Olive had put her arms around her husband as tears fell from his eyes too. "Camille is up there laughing at y'all for finally seeing it is okay to be human." Antonio said patting her headstone.

"Shove it Dawson." Erin laughed through her tears, "We can't all get away with the crying all the time."

"Hey now, it's not all the time." He smiled back with glistening eyes earning smiles from Al and Trudy.

Hank had closed his eyes again, Jay could feel each shaky breath he took and knew that he was giving everything to keep himself together for his kids. Jay knew them well enough to know that it was time to get them out of there and back home where they could rest and reboot. "It's starting to get pretty chilly out here, think it's about time to get Daniel in where it is warm." He said looking between Al and Antonio.

"We will head back to the shop, call if you need anything." Al nodded. He bent down and kissed Erin on her forehead as Justin stood up Al wrapped him in a hug, "You really are growing up Kiddo. Proud of you son."

"Thanks for letting us in." Antonio said to his Sargent as he watched the man shakily sit up, most of his weight held by Erin. Hank gave him a small nod before Antonio followed Trudy and Al back to their cruiser.

Justin watched as Jay stood up, finally taking his hand off his father only to walk around to face him and as soon as his hand was outstretched he watched his Dad grip it tight and allowed himself to be pulled up and then supported by him. Jay put his arm around Hanks hip and Hank put his arm loosely around his shoulder as the young detective led him to his truck.

Olive took Daniel back from Justin and went back to the car to get him settled in the car seat leaving Justin and Erin alone at their Moms grave. "Pop trusts Jay with his life."

"Yup." Erin allowed as she folded up the old flannel blanket.

"Isn't he _your_ Partner?"

"Yup." Erin answered putting her arm around her little brother, "After Nadia was killed...we went through a lot..."

"Jays very protective of Pop...not just you...and Pop doesn't bust his balls about it."

"Jay brought me back...almost killed himself in the process...and today he got you here...he made sure Dad had someone when I was off...being stupid..."

"A _Partner_ doesn't do that kind of shit."

"We are a family Justin."

"Dad would never let me help him like he lets him."

"Jay is not his son...Dad doesn't need to protect him...he thinks he needs to protect you..." Erin tried to explain as they walked back towards the cars.

Jay had gotten Hank in the passenger seat, reclined it slightly and was sitting behind him with his arm wrapped around the seat and across Hanks chest, Hanks cheek resting against Jays arm as he slept. "Never thought I would see that..." Justin said looking in the window.

"Jay is a good guy Justin."

"Follow you home?"

Nodding, Erin pulled Justin into a hug, "You will always be my pain in the ass little brother, nothing will ever change that." When he released her she walked around and got in the truck turning to look at Jay, "He's jealous of you."

"He's still got some growing up to do then." Jay said, earning a grunt from Hank, who despite being completely exhausted was obviously still listening. Jay leaned his head against the back of Hanks headrest and looked at Erin, "You want me to take off once we get him home?"

"Stay." Hank answered first.

"You sure Dad?" Erin asked, looking over as she drove.

"Want my family under one roof."

Erin caught Jays smile in the rear view mirror and broke out into a smile of her own. When she pulled into the driveway of their house she wondered if her dad would have enough energy to make it up the front steps and up the stairs to his bedroom. She saw Jay hovering closely behind Hank as he slowly stepped out of the truck and started for the house. It amazed her how much the day had aged him, he looked more like his own father than he did himself.

He made it up the stairs into the house on his own and sat down in his armchair and rolled his eyes at them, "Stop acting like I'm dying. Where are the home movies your promised me?"

Jay smirked as he plopped down on the couch waving a dvd in his hand.

"What ones are you going to play? God, Mom was so annoying with the camera...your first zit and she had to get it on video..." Justin groaned.

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Olive said sweetly as she sat down on the floor with the baby.

"Oh you just wait and see...there are more miles of tape than we could watch in a week."

"Actually...some of the videos were that embarrassing...but I had Mouse and Jay help me go through them and make a special DVD." Erin said as she slid it in the tray, the screen lighting up with a photograph of Camille and the title Never Lose Hope.

When she looked back at Hank she saw the tears back in his eyes, "We can watch this later if you want to rest first Dad."

"Mouse did this?"

"Jay and I went through the videos...Mouse and Jay did the final thing though...I haven't seen it all together yet."

"Start it Erin, I wanna see!" Justin said anxiously.

"Dad?" Erin asked, when Hank nodded she pushed play and a video of Justin as a toddler popped up on the screen as he toddled towards a much younger Hank as the room was filled with Camille's voice and laughter telling Justin to get his Daddy. The videos went on through sports, family picnics, fishing trips, school dances and holidays. Each clip that was chosen had Camille's voice, her laugh. As it got nearer and nearer to the ages that Erin and Justin were when she passed the more tears they shed, even Jay had glossy eyes.

Then a clip came on that Erin hadn't seen, she turned to look at Jay as it started, "Found this tucked in with some of the older ones." Jay told her.

'Well the doctors said I should have been dead a month ago, but I guess I am just as stubborn as the rest of this family. I know you will have a hard time when I do go, but please remember I am always in your hearts...yes Henry you do have a heart...a big sexy one, hell, I certainly didn't marry you for your looks.' Camille winked at the camera and Hank choked back a sob.

'Justin, my Baby, I am so sorry I won't get to see you grow up, graduate, get married...and hopefully make some cute Grandbabies for your Old Man but you can be damn sure that I will be looking down on you...kicking your ass when you screw up, holding you close when you realize it and pushing you back towards the path you belong on.' Olive handed Jay the baby as Justin collapsed onto her sobbing, 'You are your Fathers son and I know you will do more than your share of stupid things but when you find the right lady, the Momma to my Grandbabies you do right by her, treat her like a Queen, I know you know what that looks like. If my future daughter in law is watching this then don't be afraid to kick his ass when he needs it, he is a Voight after all...they need a little reminder every now and again.'

"When did she have time to do this?" Erin wondered out loud.

'Erin, my Darling Girl. Henry and I were never able to have anymore of our own babies after Justin but God knew we needed a daughter and from the second Henry told me about you I just knew that daughter was you.' Jay reached over and took Erin's hand in hers. 'From the first time you allowed me to hold you in my arms...' Camilles eyes filled with tears as she spoke, 'from that first time I knew that you had found your forever family. I knew that you would be an overly protective big sister, and daughter...you would always take care of your family...our family. I can die knowing that my son will have a woman's strong hand to help guide him, and your gentle touch can break through Henry's thickest walls. I could never have dreamed of a better daughter than you. You need to remember when it is okay for you to find comfort too, and when a man finally pushes his way through your walls and you allow him to see the real you, the good and the bad. Erin baby don't be scared to let love in...and Henry...when he comes I swear on all that is Holy if you do anything to push them apart I will come down there and haunt the living shit out of you. Our Babies are meant to get married and have babies of their own.' Jay felt Hanks eyes on him and he turned to face him, Hank nodded at him and turned back to the television. Erin turned to Jay and scooted into him, pulling her nephew onto her lap, never taking her eyes from the screen.

'Henry, my Darling Man. I know you are scared, we have been together since we were practically in diapers after all. Remembers that it is okay to let go...let go of the pain. None of this is your fault...it was just the cards I was dealt. We can't win all the time, I think I just used up my luck early, finding you...having Justin...Erin...our family. I would trade anything for just one more minute with you all in my arms but life...and death does not always go how we imagine. I want you to enjoy life, take time to go fishing, spend time with our family, retire and buy a cabin on the lake. Do not forget to live, you will be living for both of us after I go and you know I can't have a boring life Henry.'

Hank was sobbing so hard he could barely get a breath in as he watched the recording but when Justin and Erin both tried to go comfort him he held up his hand for them to stay where they were.

When the video cut away another came on, with her looking very frail and thin, 'I don't have much time left, I can hear Henry in the hall with the doctor and I know you kids will be home from school soon. Do not be scared, love with all you have, live big lives, go on adventures, never stop dreaming and never give up hope. I love you all more than I ever fathomed possible. I don't want you to miss me because I will never be far. When you lose loved ones on Earth I will find them in Heaven and we will watch over you together. Justin, Erin Darling and My Henry...I will forever love you.' She said, the clip ending in a frozen image of her blowing them one last kiss.

"You did this?" Hank asked with a shaky breath.

Jay nodded, stood up slowly and walked towards him. Coming to a stop he put his hand on his bosses shoulder, "Camille was amazing Hank, I don't know how she put up with your ass but after watching the videos..."

"I wanted to hate you...from the second Dawson brought you in..." Hank wiped his face in his hands before standing up shakily and pulling Jay into a tight hug. "You're a good one Halstead."

Erin watched the two of them as Hamk held onto Jay, she never expected the two of them to become close but what did she know. Nothing about her life was normal and very little made sense...especially anything with seeing this side of Hank. She knew he would go back to being a tough guy asshole cop in the morning...she knew Jay and the rest of their team would go right back to their rolls...stay in their places when they were on the clock. Off the clock though...everything was different.

When Hank finally sat back down Jay kicked the handle on the recliner forcing him to lay back. Justin watched as Jay again squeezed his fathers shoulder and saw the look in his dad's eyes before he closed them. Justin stood up and walked towards Halstead, putting his hand on his back making Jay turn around to face him. "Thanks Man...for everything."

"I lost my Mom, I get it." Jay said quietly, meant for Justin's ears only but the others heard it. Justin nodded before walking into the kitchen, Jay saw the tears pooling in his eyes before he walked away. Olive went to follow him but Jay stopped her, "He's okay...just give him a minute.

She nodded and looked over to where Erin was holding a very fussy Daniel. "You let him know I will be in his room feeding his son."

Jay nodded and Erin handed over her nephew, "Hey Olive...I couldn't have picked a better sister in law...our family...I know we can be fucked up some times...but..."

"He talks about you all the time...I've been around a long time...not gonna give up on him." She said with a small smile as she walked up the stairs.

"You should take a nap too Lindsay...I know you were up early this morning..." Jay said walking back over and sitting down next to his Partner.

"You never talk about your family." Erin turned sadly towards her best friend.

"Today is not the day to go there...and you have met Will...he is my family."

"You sure Justin is okay?" Erin asked when she heard the back door swing open and closed.

Jay nodded but stood up walked into the kitchen and out the back door, following Justin to an old porch swing, "You talk to Olive about family?" Jay asked sitting down next to him.

"Nah...didn't expect this coming up today...Pops...I hardly saw him get tears in his eyes when Mom died...I mean...I heard them talking through the walls and I guess knew they were crying but I never saw it...never saw him lose his shit before...its messed up."

"Its okay though." Jay told him.

"Is he really going to be okay?"

"We've all got his back...tomorrow will go back to normal..."

"Will you keep an eye out?" Justin asked Jay.

"You don't have to ask Justin...your dad...when Erin left... God I was a mess...she is... he looked out for me...I would do anything for the guys in Intelligence...but your Dad...and Erin...that is a whole nother level."

"You and Erin fuckin?"

"Christ...couldn't be more subtle? We are taking it slow...I need to know her head is in the right place...if I ever lose her..."

"You love her like Dad loves Mom?"

"You think I would be sitting here having this conversation if I didn't?"

"Were there any other video messages from my Mom?"

"Yes..." Jay answered cautiously, "With specific times for you guys to watch them...Mouse was still working on putting it all together."

"You watched them?"

"Some...once I realized what they were I gave them to Mouse to put together..."

"It is hard to talk about her."

"I know...Will and I never talk about our Mom...think about her all the time..."

"You think she would be proud of me?" Justin asked Jay with obvious fear in his eyes.

"From the punk kid driving drunk and acting a fool to a real soldier, husband and father...yeah Man she would definitely be proud of your stupid ass."

Justin smiled and stood up, "Its getting cold out here."

"Olive took Daniel upstairs." Jay smiled, following him back into the house. Hank was asleep, snoring softly in his recliner as Erin sat on the couch rewatching the dvd with tears in her eyes. Jay grabbed a throw blanket and draped it over Hank before walking over to Erin and pulling her into his lap. "This is the last time tonight." Jay told her taking the remote from her hand. Jay knew that Justin was standing at the base of the stairs studying their interactions, seeing if he could truly trust the man who had so easily inserted himself into his family. "Hockey?" Jay asked after Camille's frozen kiss left the screen.

"This isn't how I thought the day would go."

"That good or bad?"

"Both." Erin answered, snuggling into Jay, "I'm glad you are still here."

"No where in the world I would rather be." Jay told her, setting down the remote after finding the Blackhawk game. He turned around to see Justin's shadow making its way up the stairs, "Guess I passed his test." He smirked.

When Hank woke up a while later he looked over and saw Jay and Erin both asleep on his couch, Jay was holding Erin protectively even in his sleep. Hank slowly sat up in his chair and studied the two, Jay Halstead had once again proven that he is a do anything anytime for the people he loves kind of guy. Hell, for the kid to have the nerve to ensure that he himself was okay...in front of Justin...and the whole team...but it was him who had allowed it, and it seemed turned it into a bit of a habit. And that dvd...holy Hell...he could have given him some figment of a warning before turning him into a blubbering pus...but he supposed that a part of him knew that him and Mouse had something going on, the two of them had been coming in early for weeks to use the tech lab and he knew damn well it wasn't related to any cases they were working. Standing at the base of the stairs he quickly called and ordered a few pizzas.

He slowly climbed the stairs and found the door to his sons room open and stood outside listening as his son and daughter in law talked, it was the first time he had heard his son crying, really truly mourning his Mother and Olive was in there comforting him. Hank slowly walked into the room sitting down on the bed next to his son and putting his arm on his back and pulling him into his own chest, "You are your mothers son. Every time I look at you...I see her. I am sorry we didn't talk about her more...I...I didn't know how to handle everything...it was easier to just shut everyone and everything out...but that was a mistake Justin. I am sorry." Hank told his son as he gripped him tight.

"I love you Pops." Justin said with a small nod.

"Ordering pizza for dinner tonight." Hank said before walking out of the room, ending the conversation before he had a chance to get emotional again. He quickly shut himself in his room and grabbed Camilles bathrobe for the second time that day and laid down on the bed with it as his emotions once again took over. Each day that passed was one day more since he said goodbye to the love of his life...but it also meant he was one day closer to being with her again. As he thought about it he thought about how easily he could end it. End his life here on Earth and wake up with her in Heaven.

His team could handle their own, his kids were both in good places, they both had people who could help them through his leaving... With blurry eyes he opened up the drawer in his side table and pulled his gun from its case. Hearing the doorbell for the pizza he knew it was now or never.

As he lifted the gun to his head he was too lost in his thoughts to have heard the knock. As Jay saw the scene in front of him he crossed the room in one step. Taking the gun he quickly emptied the chamber and put the gun back in its case. Jay then sat down next to his huddled form, clutching the tattered bathrobe and he grabbed Hank by the shoulders and forced him to look him in the eye.

With blury eyes and a tear stained face Hank leaned into Jay and was enveloped in a hug. "Tomorrow is a new day." Jay whispered to him. Once Hank composed himself Jay loosened his hold on the older man. "Go wash your face. Pizzas probably cold."

Unspoken words passed between the two as Hank stood up and crossed to the bathroom, leaving the door open behind him. Jay took the gun, ammo and case and quickly put it in Erin's room before returning. "Two more in the closet." Hank told him. Jay nodded and grabbed the cases and slid them under Erin's bed.

"Tomorrow's a new day." Jay said with a small nod. "You ready to go spend time with your Grandson?" Jay followed Hank down the stairs and into the kitchen getting a look from Erin that demanded a conversation-and play by play-that she wasn't going to get. Picking up a slice Jay handed one to Hank, "Whatdoya know, still warm." Jay shrugged.

"Pops we have to leave here about five for me to get back in time for drill, you gonna be okay for us to go?" Justin asked as he handed Daniel off to his Grandpa.

Hank looked over at Jay and gave a slight nod, "Yeah Kid, tomorrow's a new day. Glad you guys could come up though." He said bouncing the baby on his knee, "This old man doesn't get to see you nearly enough does he?" He asked Daniel-earning a bubbly slobbery squeal of delight.

As the night wore on the family had migrated back to the living room to watch television. Around midnight Justin and Olive stood up to retreat to the bedroom to get a few hours of sleep before driving back to the base.

"We should go to bed too Dad, got work tomorrow." Erin reminded him, looking over at Jay.

Expecting Hank to say goodbye to Jay, Justin and Erin were surprised when their dad asked, "You still have clothes here?" Jay gave a tight nod and Erin looked at him questioningly.

"Go get ready for bed Linds I'll be up in a few minutes." Jay said squeezing her hand. She leaned over and kissed him, on the lips before standing up and walking over and giving hugs to both Justin and Olive.

Hank stood up and gave the three of them hugs and bid them goodnight before walking into his study and pulling out three different gun cases and setting them on his desk. Jay stood in the doorway and looked at his Boss, his friend and questioned, "What do you want me to do with them Sarge?"

"Keep um safe." He shrugged.

"I can call Will..."

Hank shook his head sadly, "You've got my back."

"There any more?"

"In my office and truck."

"You need to carry if you are working."

"Not going to be in the field and until I say otherwise you are with me. Erin will be with Al or Antonio."

"You sure?"

"If they question anything I will just get pissed about Erin kissing you." Voight smirked as he set his keys on top of the cases.

"You okay to go to bed tonight?"

"My family is all under one roof."

"Hank.." Jay said walking over and gripping the mans shoulder again.

"Tomorrow's a new day." Hank said with a sad smile and walking up the stairs. Jay gathered the guns and followed Hank up the stairs.

"She is going to ask." Jay said when he reached the top of the stairs.

"I trust you." Hank said walking into his bedroom, leaving the door open behind him.

Jay nodded and walked into Erin's bedroom, also leaving the door open behind him. He walked over to the dresser and set down the cases feeling Erin's eyes boring into his back.

Kicking off his shoes and letting his jeans slide down around his ankles he sat down on her bed and patted the spot next to him, "Doors open? Cases in here...all of them...you have the keys too?" Erin asked. Jay pulled out the key ring and handed it to her. "I'm glad we have you." She said with tears in her eyes, not wanting to imagine what Jay walked in on when she had sent him to get Hank for dinner.

"Tomorrow you are going to be with Al or Antonio..." Jay told her as he leaned back into the headboard.

She crawled over and rest her head on his shoulder and laid there in silence. When they heard Hanks sobs through the wall Erin looked over at Jay, "I don't want him crying by himself...he has been alone for so long."

"Give him space." Jay told her not wanting to push him, he knew it was hard enough to surrender the guns and keys...and leave his door open surrendering what little privacy he had. It wasn't long after that he fell asleep and Jay leaned his head against Erin's.

"He needs to talk to Charles." Erin whispered.

"If I need to...tomorrow we will go into the office...I will call the Doc myself and have him make a house call...he is too stubborn to do anything inpatient so there is no point in fighting for that. I already told you that I was going to be with Hank tomorrow and you will update Al and Antonio...Hank and I will not be going in the field until I know his head is clear."

"You going to try to sleep?" Erin asked Jay.

"You should too."

"Was going to call Al and I want to make sure he is okay first." She told him without lifting her head up.

"He is asleep Erin. You are going to go in to work like normal. I will stay here with him and when he wakes up we will figure out a plan."

"I'm sure that will go over well."

"If you aren't here...if he knows you are at work doing what he thinks you should be doing...I think it is the only chance we have."

"Do you think he will be okay?"

"He knows we've got his back." Jay told her, "That counts for something."

"When you came in there yesterday..."

"In his hand."

"So if you would have gone up even a minute later..."

"We don't play what ifs. What if Al hadn't have given you that knife...what if Kevin didn't get into your apartment when he did...we just can't go there."

"You will really stay here with him?"

"Sleep Lindsay." Jay said closing his eyes, he had expected a rough day but never expected to have ended up like it did. Erin woke him up with hair dried and looking as fresh as ever with two cups of coffee in her hands he realized he had slept through her alarm. "You want to take a shower before I head?"

Jay grabbed one of the mugs and downed it before walking down the hall. When he stepped into the bathroom he saw that she had set out his clothes with a fresh towel and he couldn't help but smile. Her way of taking some control back...he did his thing and went back into her room and sat down next to her on the bed. She kissed him softly and stood up, "Let me know when he gets up."

At eight Jay pulled out his phone and called his brother setting up for him and Dr Charles to meet them at Intelligence at noon. Jay then went in and sat in the armchair in Hanks room, what if he had come up a minute later...would he have really pulled the trigger? When Hank woke up at nine he saw Jay in the small arm chair at the foot of his bed. Once again dreading the day...he was also quite embarrassed at his inability to control his emotions and actions in the previous twenty four hours. Hank got up and grabbed clothes before going into the bathroom.

"Come on Kid. Let me pretend for a couple hours." Hank said with a sad smile walking out of the bathroom in his robe.

"Noon Hank."

"In house?"

"Will and Charles." Hank nodded and Jay walked out of the bedroom and waited for him downstairs.

Hank climbed into the passenger seat of his own truck allowing Jay to drive him to work and followed him up the back stairs into their unit. Jay stopped at Erin's desk as Hank went into his office. He left the door open and sat down at his desk and pulled out his old box of pictures.

"Any cases today Linds?" Jay asked her.

"Eh, nothing new. Trudy said she was going defer us this week unless it was relevant or some blah blah blah like that." Erin rolled her eyes.

"We were hoping you guys were working something since you are late." Adam said leaning forward at his desk.

"Late night last night." Jay shrugged.

"Erin was here on time."

"Just go get caught up on your paperwork." Jay shut him down before he walked into the office, shutting the door behind him.

"You have my keys." Hank mumbled without looking up.

"Picture of her?" Jay asked. Hank handed a photo of a teenage Erin laughing as she splashed in the lake with Camille and Justin.

"Couple months after she moved in with us."

"Erin was lucky to have you guys."

"No...no...I was lucky to have her."

"I am going to be in here when they come."

"I don't want her to know the details...she doesn't need that..."

"She is going to have questions."

"Good for her."

"If you don't want her involved then you will talk to her over dinner tonight."

"This is still my unit."

"And as you pointed out..."

"Keys...yeah. My unit my way."

"We can do this by the book if you want... Take you to inpatient..."

"I want a damn steak."

"Figured as much." Jay said smirking as he handed the photo back before walking out.

Will called him an hour later and Jay went down and led them up and into Hanks office, closing the door and shutting the blinds behind them. "How do you want to do this Voight?" Dr Charles asked as he sat down on one of the two chairs, Will took the other and Jay walked around and stood behind Hank, putting his hand on his shoulder.

"Yesterday...Jay walked into my bedroom and found me with a gun in my hand...I was going to use it to...to be with Camille again." Hank said looking up at Jay.

"You were going to kill yourself?" Charles verified.

"Yes."

"And have you thought about doing that before?"

"I have thought every day for years about being with my wife again...Suicide directly...not really."

"Do you still feel suicidal Hank?"

"I gave Jay my keys, all the guns in my house...I don't trust...I don't trust myself right now." Hank said looking at Jay again as his eyes filled with tears, voice cracking.

"Hank..." Jay barely whispered.

"I know Jay will take care of my family..." Hank said reaching up and putting his hand shakily on top of Jays. "I always thought I had to protect Erin, Justin...the city... But when I saw him take care of her...when she went to him instead of me...last years anniversary of her death...was the first year I thought about how much I missed her...this year...this year they brought Justin home...and Olive and the baby...they didn't need me...this year I needed them...but I don't want to need anyone." Hank said as a tear slid from his eye.

"We should admit you." Charles said causing Jay to step forward protectively. "But it is clear you do not want that and have a strong support system in place." He continued. "You will do an hour a day five days a week until I say otherwise. I know Erin is still living with you, I do not want you alone until I say otherwise. And no field work. You can hide out in here and run things however you need but you will not go in the field."

"You will also take meds until you become stabilized." Will said holding up a bottle and setting it on the desk.

"Hank, when Camille died, did you cry?" Charles asked.

"When Erin came back from taking Justin to school...yes..."

"Did you cry after that day?"

"Never where anyone saw...until last year."

"Why?"

"Control."

"Why is Jay so protective of you?" Charles asked after a minute, he knew getting Hank to truly open up was an impossible task, but if he could help him to see that he has family, friends to talk to it would push that direction.

"He loves Erin."

"I have seen several people in love and never once seen a son in law as protective as Jay is towards you." Hank looked up at Jay who was standing, arms crossed right behind him. "Jay, perhaps you can enlighten Hank."

"He is right...I love Erin and Hank is the only person on this planet who has never let her down. He means more to her than anything and a love like that...its a two for one thing. For me to really love Erin...I got to know Hank...he has to be as important to me as he is to her...took me a while to understand that."

"Hank why are you so trusting of Jay?" Dr Charles asked him.

"Erin trusted him...he is the only person who she has ever trusted..."

"She trusts you." Will pointed out.

"I had to earn her trust...Halstead...she trusted him from the minute I put them together."

"So Hank, for us to do this...you either need to open up to me...or someone else of your choosing who will then report back to me. If you don't then I will be forced to make this official."

"I trust him to do what needs to be done." Hank said.

"Jay, do you accept that? Willing to get your feet dirty?" Charles asked him.

"Sarge?" Jay asked Hank.

"I need you to have my back for this."

"If I agree to this then our family will be updated too." Jay said.

"Hank is that something you agree to?"

"Whether his stubborn ass likes it or not he handed me his keys so he will do what it takes." Jay answered for him, earning a snort from Hank.

"Voight?"

"I did give the kid my keys."

"I am taking that as a yes. So since I know you will not come out and say what is going through your head I want you to keep a journal. Carry it with you or leave it at home by your bed and write in it at least twice a day. I do not need to read it myself, but someone will tell me a summary of what is written and each day I will give you a thought to focus on. Today I want you to write what it felt like when Jay took the gun from your hand."

"That all guys?" Jay asked, noticing Hanks change in breathing. He knew they had reached their limit.

"Meds. One pill once a day. Notice any side effects let me know." Will said standing up.

"See you tomorrow morning at eight." Dr Charles told them as he too stood up.

"Thank you." Jay said to them two of them. "I will walk down with you."

Jay squeezed Hanks shoulder before walking towards the door. As he walked past Erin's desk he knocked on the corner of it and she jumped up and practically ran into the office closing the door behind her before the three had even reached the steps.

Out in the parking lot Dr Charles turned to Jay, "This is quite unconventional. You can assure me that he will stay out of the field?"

"Until I know his head is in the right place neither of us will be in the field for a thing other than delegating a scene if we need to."

"You think he will do anything?"

"He gave me his keys and all his guns without me asking." Jay shrugged. "Yesterday was a rough day."

"I can bring by clothes if you need, I assume you are staying there again."

"I've got some there already...thanks though Will." Jay said before walking back inside the building. He went up and into the office ignoring all the prying eyes as he walked past. He found Erin sitting on the corner of Hanks desk with him leaning back and the two of them having a stare off. "Lindsay we are going to talk tonight over steaks." Jay said walking up behind her.

"Bullshit. He can talk now." She seethed.

"Let Justin know we will call him tonight sometime between seven and eight." Jay told Erin. "He is going to do what Dr Charles and Will told him to."

"What so you are talking for him now?" Erin said suddenly furious with her Partner.

"We will discuss all of it tonight." Jay said facing her and gripping her shoulders, he could see the tears in her eyes and pulled her into him, "We will get through this together...just like we always do." Jay promised her.

He could feel her nod her head as she wrapped her arms around his waist, "I'm still mad at you."

"Update your brother." Jay said pulling back, "The four of us will talk tonight."

"Dad, If Jay wouldn't have gone in there when he did...would I be planning your funeral right now?" Erin asked looking towards Hank.

"Yes." Hank admitted causing Erin to start sobbing. He watched as Jay pulled her back into him and carry her to one of the chairs where he sat down with her on his lap as he held her. Maybe she needed him more than he thought...the guilt at his admission and seeing Erin crying because of him...

"There is a spiral notebook on the corner of your desk...start writing." Jay said looking up from Erin and into Hanks eyes. He nodded his head and slid the notebook over and started scribbling.


End file.
